Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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