I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
