mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
