Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
