We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
