you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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