Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize