I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
