Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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