Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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