Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He passed out mid-signature
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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