dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
