i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
