i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Oh god it's open bar.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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