She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
