I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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