do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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