I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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