my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
