ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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