i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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