I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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