Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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