Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
