pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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