Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
