I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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