First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
