anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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