my mouth tastes like poor choices
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
