I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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