he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
