Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
