She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
