I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
