apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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