i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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