please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
