I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
