Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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