i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
last night I used snow as a chaser
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
