Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
