oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
