i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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