just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
