i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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