I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
