ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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