it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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