My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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