i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
